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My cat is in the living room. It is 1994. It is late at night. My cat walks out of the living room. My cat walks into the garden using the cat flap on the back door. My cat walks around to the front of my house. A taxi is waiting outside my house. The door of the taxi is already open. My cat jumps into the taxi. The taxi driver gets out of the taxi and closes the door, then gets back into the taxi and drives my cat to an airport. My cat boards an aeroplane and flies to Los Angeles. It is not late at night in Los Angeles. There is a person waiting for my cat in the arrivals hall at Los Angeles airport. The person is holding a sign with ‘My Cat’ written on it. My cat follows the person out of Los Angeles airport and into a limo. My cat sits on the person’s lap. My cat is driven to a building somewhere in Hollywood. My cat walks into the building. A receptionist says, ‘Take a seat, they’ll be ready to see you shortly.’ My cat jumps onto one of the seats in the waiting room and falls asleep. My cat dreams about chasing a bee. My cat wakes up again. Someone is talking to it. They are saying, ‘They're ready to see you now.’ My cat jumps off the chair and walks into a room. Two men are sitting at a table in the room. The two men start talking to my cat. They outline a coming-of-age comedy concerning a group of young men who make a pact to lose their virginities before leaving for college to my cat. The men say, ‘Are you willing to do nudity?’ to my cat. ‘There's a scene where you would have to have sex with a pie,’ they say to my cat. One of the men says, ‘This cat is going to be a huge star.’ My cat turns and walks out of the room. ‘What’s going on?’ the other man says. ‘I guess she wasn’t into the idea of having sex with a pie.’ My cat jumps into a taxi, is quickly driven back to the airport, flies to England, and is driven back to my house in another taxi. It walks into my house using the cat flap on the back door. My cat is extremely jet-lagged. It goes to sleep at the end of my bed in seconds. Six years later, I walk into a cinema in Nottingham and watch the film American Pie.